Who invented the blow job? Like, who wakes up one day and thinks “today, I will suck a dick”
why does every nickelback song sound the same?– my mom
So some guests milk broke and spilled all over the floor. And I tell my manager, and he goes “syd, don’t cry over spilled milk.” And I started laughing so hard because it was so punny.
Vegan baking tips with Carl Sagan
vegangirls: Today’s episode: Cupcakes. Before one can bake vegan cupcakes from scratch, one must first: create the universe.
my ex bf is texting me, and saying that all targets suck. and that he was at my target a few weeks ago. bitch, i work 24 hour weeks, if you went to my target, i probably would have saw you. but you didnt even go to mine. i fucking hate you. leave me alone now.
Teacher : What comes after 69?
Student : Mouthwash.
Teacher : Get out.
When you accidentally sneeze/spit on your computer
catspijamas: and you get tiny drops of color on your monitor.
I wanna dye my hair like a burgundy red, violet,...
yupitsjuliet: I haven’t dyed my hair in a year and my hair is everything to me!! and it’s in such great condition BUT I’m just tired of the same boring natural color lol. I need LIFE on my head. -_ - #don’t judge me! I’m a weirdo! WHAT IS A NICE COLOR I CAN PUT ON MY DARK BROWN HAIR? ANY SUGGESTIONS ANYONE? just do red, if you don’t like it… it fades.
mom: come down for dinner
five minutes later
mom: I SAID COME DOWN FOR DINNER NOBODY EVER FUCKING LISTENS TO ME IN THIS HOUSE YOU GUYS DONT APPRECIATE ANYTHING
me: ok *goes to the kitchen* wheres the food
mom: oh its not done yet
thelocalpaedo: shorturl: my mothers logic: if you’re going to have sex anywhere do it in the house where it’s safe don’t have sex in the house it’s disrespectful do it in a dark alley and rape is the best way
TYPE YOUR NAME: Liam Patterson
TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR ELBOW: Adolf Hitler
TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR EYES SHUT: Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi
TYPE YOUR NAME WITH YOUR CHIN: Your lord and saviour, Jesus Christ
SLAM YOUR FACE ON THE KEYBOARD: I'm fabulous